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Inside the Increasingly Troubled World of Bill Gates

Inside the Increasingly Troubled World of Bill Gates

Inside the Increasingly Troubled World of Bill Gates

Our secret source within the Bill Gates inner circle continues to deliver the goods. The latest instalment is a fraught but enlightening telephone conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Gates, or French as she is currently known. 

“Honey, we spoke about this. He was a very charming man, well connected and our orbits happened to collide. He was a philanthropist, a financier, a well yes… but that was a relatively minor conviction involving well, minors. He happened to enjoy the enthusiasm of youth, as do I, so we are similar in that respect, and of course the generosity aspect. It was inevitable our orbits would collide.   

I only stayed at his residences, what, four or five times, and all I saw was middle-aged gentlemen receiving assistance with back pain and general muscle stiffness. No, no, my back is fine these days. They were trialing some new floral scented oils from memory, might have been jojoba, it apparently works wonders with lower lumbar relief. It’s just a shame that he’s not around to clear my name, he would vouch 100% for the innocence of our encounters. He had the world’s best pilots, the interior design of his airplanes was without equal, and owned this magic little Island getaway far from telescopic lenses and pesky paparazzi. He enjoyed his privacy, as do I, and who can blame him. We swam with the dolphins on more than one occasion.   

We spoke about the thrill of scientific endeavor, the gullibility of the masses, the beautiful ineffectiveness of the political class, and the ravenous brilliance of youth. You would have liked him actually, he danced a wicked foxtrot. I could provide other character references, the man hosted dinner parties English royalty for goodness sake, and President Clinton was a fellow orbiter, so you know it was innocent and pure and filled with good intentions. 

We must press on my love, our mission is bigger than this. Klaus has the European situation back under control. Anthony has yet to be indicted so he’s pressing forth, and we must do the same. You felt the same rush whenever we shot a young third world child with genetically modified materials, straight into their veins, this stuff is pure joy. Humanity needs us at this critical juncture. Updates are being developed as we speak, Anthony thinks every six months might be publicly acceptable with the correct celebrity endorsements.

I’m hearing some very disturbing rumors about your err, legal advice to be honest. Taped phone conversations, honey I thought such chicanery was beneath us. And 2019, honey, we achieved so much in 2020, we harnessed the irrational fears of the gullible like, well… early century Germans, and you were consorting with legal vipers in 2019! Google has me listed as the world’s most trusted doctor, think of the coups we have achieved. The algorithms are on our side, how can we lose? But I always pictured my greatest triumphs occurring with you by my side. And now this! Honey, the timing is dreadful.  

I just wish Jeffrey was around to vouch for the benign nature of our encounters. We drank hundred year old Flemish wine while dressed in fluffy white towels, it was all very faux waspy. We smoked cigars and he told me stories of his Wall Street adventures. He was a very charming man, and connected too, I think there’s a black book floating around someplace.

Honey, think of the disappointment of missing out on the culmination of years of planning. Klaus is devastated at the news of our marital discord apparently, he’s got a heart of gold that man, another charmer, that accent just gives me chills. So, it just all seems like youthful folly to allow this little internal spat to overshadow our hard work, the farmland, the imitation meat, the end of international travel for mere serfs who should be grateful for their factory positions, and now we have oil shortages, honey, think of the limitless opportunities for reset. The serfs will be traveling on horseback and subsisting on dried beans when calamity Joe is finished with them.   

Anyway, my lawyers will shoot me if they find out about this conversation, but we had to speak directly and I feel so much better for it. All I can say is that he was a charming erudite individual, who gave untold millions to science, dreamt of creating his own super race, and was tragically beset by lower back pain that required constant remedial relief. He was taken too soon, a brilliant mind, a wonderful raconteur, I wouldn’t say a close friend, but our orbits collided, and I have no regrets.”    

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