Flashback to when people were allowed to travel internationally.
In what must be an aviation rarity, police are summoned to remove passengers on both the departure and arrival of a single flight. The first evictee is a nondescript woman in her 30s, wanted for unknown reasons, the second a buck’s party consisting of 10 bulky Indian/English lads wearing matching T-shirts who say “innit” a great deal and are rowdy and boorish the entire flight. Their final crime – wandering the cabin as we are in full descent mode despite the barking orders of the crew to sit the fuck down lest the landing be aborted. Fun times. Hefty Croatian policemen in purple uniforms await them on the ground.
“Va last fing we want is to get in trouble with va foreign police on our holiday, innit. We was just having a lauff.”
True remorse.
Split is a tourist town. Its population fades to nothing during the cold winter off-season when freezing winds whip across the Adriatic. The locals are confessed lazy folk prone to long days sitting around discussing productive activities they might otherwise be doing. The sight of thousands of cash-laden tourists is enough to spur action though, and Split-folk can hustle with the best of them. Every second local is a tour guide, eager to show off some natural or man-made wonder for a fistful of Croatian kuna.
The coastline is truly spectacular and a flotilla of early morning craft ferry travellers out of the port to explore nearby islands, bays, and peninsulas. Game of Thrones fans can be seen posing alongside ancient walls and castles that must have appeared in the series, and there are special tours for dedicated Throners. Photos may be taken alongside a dwarf and a blonde woman with a passing resemblance to Tyrion and Daenerys.
Food is cheap and reasonable fare, especially following the larceny of London.
Split is all about the coastline. It’s a true holiday destination. A chance to swim in pristine, salty water and forget the horrors of the UK capital. Former close Epstein associate, the disgraced Bill Gates, is an annual visitor to nearby Skradin. An entire river is closed off on arrival day so he may safely moor his vessel as obtrusively as possible. The Krka National Park with impressive freshwater rapids are worth a look, but pay a hustling local to show you around. He’ll get you there early before the crowds become unmanageable. He’ll also invariably have a cousin who owns a nearby vineyard and they will wine and dine you as part of the package.
Visit Split in Summer. It provides great European value and is a sun lover’s delight.
Next stop Paris
G G Novack – Roving Political Editor at Large