Have you ever wondered what runs through the mind of the great Bill Gates, captain of industry, philanthropist, environmentalist, humanitarian, medical genius, all around good guy? Fortunately, we have an anonymous source placed close enough to capture Bill’s every morning utterance. Here is the first instalment of this ground-breaking series.
Hmm, this muesli is dry. Who mixed it? They will be fired for this incompetence. Who eats dry muesli? Chef, whip me up some buttermilk pancakes, the muesli is dry and cutting my gums. I can taste blood, and not in a good way, my blood. Pancakes, softened with buttermilk, throw this muesli away and get me the name of the supplier. I want him ruined by nightfall.
What’s this? Honey, the peasants are reluctant about taking their Astra jabs. Get me Anthony on the phone. Time differences? I don’t care. I need to speak to Anthony now, wake him up. Dry muesli and reluctant peasants, what the fuck is going on today?
They are still too comfortable. Close down some states. I want five governors to announce state-wide shutdowns by midday tomorrow. Lean on Gretchen. Gavin is spooked by this recall business. Texas and Florida are killing us over here. Sanctions. Joe needs to impose sanctions. Cut their federal funding. Open states are not helping our cause. Freedom, bikinis, Spring break, we are fighting on all fronts. This is a war. Blood clots. Who cares? How are they scared of blood clots all of a sudden? It started in Europe. Get Klaus and Angela on the line. I don’t care, wake them up.
The peasants have had it too good for too long now. International travel, they just jump on a plane and fly places. Not any more. The peasants will never again enjoy the joys of unfettered travel. Ha, they think vaccine passports will allow them to travel. Your little Summer vacations are producing deadly CO2 I’m afraid. You will be confined to your homes, until we say so. The climate emergency will dictate who can and cannot travel. Good luck squirming back onto cattle class. Done. Over.
Meat. They’ve been holidaying and eating meat. No wonder they are proving unruly. More CO2. You will eat insects, very planet friendly. Steak, forget about it. Who owns all the farmland? Honey, are buying any farms today? Good. I don’t care, whatever, make them sign the paperwork. Travel and steak. How could a society function when the peasants are enjoying international travel and T-bone steak? Those days are over my friends. Get used to the sickly crackle of centipedes. Very low carbon footprint. Carbon is bad, carbon is bad, join in kids, carbon is bad, carbon is bad, sing it as a round.
Blood clots. How would they get spooked by blood clots? Just wait until the updates. Ha, scratch that. Procreation. You cannot just allow peasants to procreate at their own will. Think of the carbon. Procreating peasants, eating meat and traveling abroad. Ha, what a life. The peasants of yesteryear toiled in salt mines, and cleaned toilets with their bare hands. And this lot think they can jet off to Barbados when the mood arises, and eat order sides of meat, and spill out countless offspring. Peasant re-education is the only way. Far too comfortable. Lockdowns, house arrest, insects. Sing along kids. Imagine all the people, and no possessions too.
Travel should be a privilege for the privileged. Obviously we need to gather and discuss global strategy and population reduction, but why would a peasant need to circle the globe pumping out all that carbon? Switzerland, we’re skiing in the Alps this year kids. Far from the madding crowd. Off piste. No more waiting around for lifts this year.
Blot clots. How? I thought we were solid? Must be a bad batch. How is this news leaking out? Fire the head of Astra. Stupid man. Spooked peasants are contrary to our interests at this critical juncture. I want orderly queues outside every medical center, maybe just a bit of pushing and shoving to keep them focused. I want them begging for it. We might need a press release about a dangerous new variant from someplace exotic. The Bulgarian strain, twice as virulent, spread the word, three doses are required to stamp it out.
Lawsuits from India? What is this nonsense? Fire the head of Indian operations. Usual procedure. Pay off the victims with crumpled rupees, NDAs all round. Bury the story. Can’t have bad press leading into the updates. Oh boy. Updates, whether the peasants like it or not. Ha, remember the virus protection days at Micro honey? Oh no, my computer is overrun with viruses. What will I do? Oh good, bless my stars, Microsoft is releasing a new antivirus suite, only $59.99 charged quarterly from my bank account. Ha. The genius of it. What a business model. Updates for all. Updates forever. What are they going to do, unwrap and destroy a computer virus, risk their health, build their own immune system, take vitamin D supplements for the rest of their lives? I think not. Nice, harmless, efficient updates delivered by your benevolent overlord. Oh no, fertility rates are tumbling? Ah well, think of the planet, lower carbon emissions, good for everyone.
Ah. Sunlight. Block it out. Block it out.
Good morning Klaus. Yes, we do. The Astra people are letting us down badly here. Panicked peasants, stampeding like bulls at a gate. We can’t have it, Klaus. Speak with Angela. This is a European issue. Fix it Klaus. Fix it now. I’ve got Gavin and Andrew on another line, we have fires of our own to douse.